daydreamer449

The walls are slowly coming in and they keep coming, there is no door for you to open, you can't break down the walls with your bare hands because they are made of brick.

They keep coming and keep coming.

So you scream.

No one hears you.

You scream louder and start to cry, again no one hears you.

You scream and you scream.

You breakdown because you can't find the exit and you're going to die.

Your body looses it.

You have no power over your body when you get into a meltdown. The only way out is to release pressure and calm yourself down. Though nobody listens. You ask for attention and more than anything else affection because having someone there with you, telling you it will be alright makes everything better. It sends the walls away from you. You calm down. But then it gets worse and you shrink to the ground, hands over ears, screaming for help. There is no way out and the walls come back.

You want out.

You want a door.

You want anything to help you survive the hell you are going though. Your body cannot take it. You are not in control of you body. So you hit things, you jump up and down. You slap yourself and tell yourself you are worthless, even though you are not. This makes it worse and the walls close in even further. You finally lose it when the walls get so tight they are about kill you. You scream and go manic, you want out. So your body reacts with your one last desperate attempt to survive. You scream and scream, the screams escape from your demented mind and out into the open.

People hear you.

People leave you and ignore you.

Others come rushing and see you rolling around on the floor screaming 'Out! Out! Out!' They try to calm you down but when they fail you go into shutdown mode. You block out everything and forget what happens. It's a blank. You vaguely remember talking to yourself afterwards and calming yourself down.

Afterwards, when you are calm and the bottle of emotions has burst, you get up and continue with life and wait until the next time hell plays in your Autistic mind.

I love Percy Jackson and want Nico as my own.

However he is gay and I'm crying because I can never have him as my own now. 

That is all.

2013? Where have you gone? It's been such a fast year - just signs that I'm getting much older. Use my time wisely. So what can I say about this year? Quite a lot actually. We'll start with my new year revolutions from 2012 aimed for this year. They were: loose weight, be more organised, brush my teeth more, be more considerate and become more engrossed in my academic studies. Shall we start with what I haven't managed to complete? So I had 365 days to have ago at each of these revolutions. Easy, right?

Well... Yes and No.

I have lost weight and I have lost quite a bit of it, however this involved me becoming obsessed with calories and starving myself for nearly a week because I was afraid my weight wasn't healthy, when in fact I was perfectly healthy. This resulted in me having an addiction to calories and not wanting to eat - which was extremely stupid of me. I had to go to the doctors on my weight because I was refusing to eat. The doctor tried to calm me down but it failed. I was the only one which could stop myself from being obsessed. So my parents forced me to eat and my friends did too.

 I've been obsessed with my weight until about two months ago. That was when I was looking back on pictures at the start of the year, to discover I had lost a lot of puppy fat on my cheeks and thighs, and my curves have started to show. Something finally clicked in my head that I eating a lot because I'm growing and my body will loose my puppy fat naturally. Gradually I am slowly learning to be comfortable in my own body. Sure I might not be the prettiest or skinniest girl but I am who I am, and, in the words of my father, if I don't love myself then who will?

Organisation? Pfft! Since when will I ever be organised? I tried to be organised for about three months and gave up because I just couldn't do it. I've improved with my organisation but I'll never be fully organised. I'm happy not being organised! It can be a pain sometimes, but I like being a klutz and forgetting things because it's one of my many quirks.

Brush my teeth more, check! Now they look nice and shiny. Not as straight as they were (nasty braces.) but they are my teeth and they're awesome!

Now we fall onto the topic of being more considerate. This was my main one for this  year and you know what? I actually achieved it! Being considerate of others and kind is now infused into my system and personality. Weird, huh? I was a extremely self and self-centred before I set that new year's revolution and actually listened to what people had to say. It was hard being considerate at first but then I got the hang of it. I would do little things for people to make them happy and I loved it. I loved making people happy and seeing them smile. That simple look of gratitude was enough to keep me happy. I found that as long as I made people happy I felt happy. I become happy from making other people happy. This slowly led to me becoming an optimist and maturing - just a smidge . My brain got little boosts from making people feel great about themselves and being happy. I started to put people first and overall I did become a more considerate person.

Finally be more engrossed with my studies. This one did not perk up until about October. I received my first A* in Geography and it was shortly followed by my targets in my lessons all being As and A*s. This was a massive esteem boost for me and I started to work harder because of it. I worked very hard and it payed off! I got an A in History and in Chemistry. These were just tests and didn't count towards anything but I kept going. I received a B+ in Textiles - which made me so joyful. Then came my proper German Speaking GCSE... I got so stressed out that I thought I was going to fail. But after a break down I did fine. I got an A, I couldn't quite believe it. This sent me over the moon. I also received an A* in the same day. I think that must of sent me to Jupiter and back. It was so unexpected. I actually believe I can do it now and I will get the grades if I put in the work - proven by my German.

So to summarise. This year has been all about self improvement and believing myself. I have changed a lot over the space of 365, both mentally and physically. I feel that I have achieved so much and come so far. I mean I've found my love for reading again! Thank you my little American pals and I've got such supportive friends, in particular Becky and Kristina - so thank you both. I've been silly this year but it's been terrific and has been the best year of my life... So far...

Goodbye 2013, thank you for being so wonderful and kind to me.

Oh my gosh I'm so tired right now! It's 21:40 in GMT time. My eyelids are slowly drooping and I am begging my self to sleep. But I can't because my cat is on my bed and I still have to tidy up my room. I understand its good to be tidy and all but I really want to sleep. So move cat :cat:

Hi guys,